The other side of adoption...

An iceberg has many sides and depths that the eye doesn't see. What about your life? Do you feel compelled to share every detail? Is every part of your life clearly seen? Nope. Not at all.
The same can be said about adoption.
From as early as I can remember, I've known that I was adopted. My parents chose to tell me that I was chosen from the very beginning, and for that, I am forever grateful. I have 2 friends who didn't find out that they were adopted until their late teens for one, and early adulthood for the other...
My earliest memory of talking openly about my adoption with my parents was a super special memory for me. My dad took me to a local mall for an adoption event. Not a pet adoption, or a kid adoption....but a stuffed animal adoption. I adopted a stuffed gorilla named JJ. That thing meant the world to me. JJ helped me with a lot. He helped me understand adoption, and he even helped my parents potty train me. JJ apparently poops tootsie rolls, and I wanted to do it too... Ha!

Let's talk about the absolutely beautiful side of adoption.
I was born on a living room floor, and went from hospital to foster system. Since then, I've seen the inside of the foster system. It's messed up. But in my case, it saved me. David & Rosie Barrera chose to take in countless children. They loved and cared for children like me, until we were chosen by a forever family. 3 months later, my parents Chris & Judy and my new big brother came along. Child birth was extremely difficult for my mom with her first born, but they still had the desire for another child. A selfless act of giving me up for adoption made my parents dreams come true. Grateful doesn't even come close to my feelings about it. I was wanted, dreamed of, sought after, and a family was praying for me. I was given a chance, a good life, everything that I could need. I was CHOSEN.  And that's simply where adopted people are made to stop with their feelings. Grateful & Chosen.

Just like that iceberg, there's a lot to adoption that isn't seen or even talked about. If you know me personally, you know that I am a VERY thankful and positive person. It took counseling and years before I could talk about this side of it without feeling guilty. No matter how you look at it, I was abandoned. Given up on. Not wanted. When this all started making sense I was afraid to bring it up. How could I feel that way if I knew that my adoptive family picked me?! Well, it is a legit feeling. It is the truth...the painful truth. For a child or young adult, that feeling is hard. And I can tell you from experience, that feeling sticks around for a long time...if not forever. No matter how fabulous your adoptive family may be, that is real. And it is ok to feel that way.
As humans, it is natural that we desire to be loved, needed, wanted, and secure, but all too often we find these feelings in circumstantial things...instead of the one constant: God.
If I only rely on the way others have made me feel to get my worth, I'm doing it all wrong. I could try until the cows come home to gain worth by the circumstances of my life or my adoption story, but I would forever fail. I am so thankful that I anchor my faith and identity in Christ and not in people.
Life for my biological mother was a mess. Life was an iceberg for even her. God knew the depths that we could not see, and above everything, He had a perfect plan for me. He wanted me. He chose me.

Ephesians 3:17-19 New Living Translation (NLT)

¹⁷ Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. ¹⁸ And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. ¹⁹ May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are talking to your adopted child about adoption, please remember to think about the other side of adoption. Work on building a strong foundation of who your child is in God. Dig deeper into the word and teach them what God thinks of them.
Anchoring your faith and your worth in something way bigger than mankind is so vital to a successful conversation about adoption. People fail, people make mistakes. People also change, learn, and grow. But the one and only thing that remains strong is God.

He loves you.
He wants you.
He chose you.
He calls you His own.

My foster mom, Rosie.

My biological mother, Susie.

My Biological father, Butch.

My family, including my mom & dad, and brother & his family.

I am thankful for every person and every emotion that this blog involves. Redemption is a sweet thing.

Back to school!!

We are a few hours in, and we already have tears, an argument, and a complete melt down over an art project. I have cinnamon roll icing in my hair, my coffee is cold, and well... the letter board behind me is so true. "My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji." Happy school year, y'all! Ha! I sent a text to my husband, saying that I might run away! 

Some days are just like that. A mess. The day before that? It was a total win. All kids got along, helped clean house, dinner was great, and my "wife game" was on point. But the common factor in both winning days and losing days is bed time... new mercies in the morning.

 I have to remind myself daily that as important as it is that I keep my kids taken care of, it is also as important that I take care of myself. Sometimes moms don't have a minute to breathe, or heck, even go to the restroom by yourself! Most of the time, as soon as I close the bathroom door someone yells MOOOOM!! Or my great dane shows up at the door and will not let me close the door. He will whine until I open the door. Because, you know...the world might end in the 2 minutes that it takes me to pee. TMI, but it is real life! 

Let's get back to my point.

We have to learn to love ourselves through the hard days. In our terrible day that I talked about in the beginning of this blog, I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Lunch time rolled around, and Jesse Ava wanted to help cook. I'm so grateful for her servant heart. I asked her to put chicken nuggets and sweet potato fries on a cookie sheet. She argued with me that there would be plenty of space for everything on one pan. She laid everything out meticulously, taking more time than I wanted her to take. When she went to put it in the oven, it was too heavy, and it all dumped on to the bottom of the oven. Jesse Ava burst into tears. I rushed over to hug her and help clean up. I kept telling her "It's ok Jesse. It's no big deal! We can start over." I could have said the dreaded I told you so, but I love her so much and want to encourage and love her when tough times come...no matter how big or small.

Tired and worn out Mom, it is the same for you on your hard days. Learning to love yourself daily is so important. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Just like we love our kids through the big and little things, God loves you even more.   

God isn't keeping a tally of your crap days.

Just as you are patient when your child has a bad day, please offer yourself that kind of grace. You are LOVED. You are VALUABLE. You are so WORTH IT. You are SEEN.

You can do this!

On Wednesdays we do our homeschool work at a local coffee shop. (Minus the boy child. He doesn't like the background noise.) I included a picture from today to prove that we all survived our bad day. I am grateful for new mercies, and COFFEE. :)

Taking a step in authority

"You have authority over your child, even in the womb."

I was talking with a dear friend just the other day. She is pregnant and has the normal momma worries... I have explained a few times that I have been praying over her sweet little man. I always pray that he will be a peaceful, calm, good sleeping, good eating, obedient, strong little boy with a huge servants heart, made in God's image. 

Can I just tell you Joelle's story? That beautiful little girl in the picture is my sweet Joelle. We call her JoJo. She is the most energetic, loving, serving, helpful, persistent, faithful, obedient little girl. Things looked pretty rough for her, before she even entered this world. 

It was a normal doctors appointment. (although it wasn't a normal situation... most people don't have a doctor that is an elder at your church. Awkward. But amazing all in one.) I always looked forward to sonogram day! Seeing that sweet alien looking blob on the screen always gives a momma a sense of peace and excitement. A little back track, just for fun- Months before this, we were at a church service with a dear friend. Dave Duell was a mighty man of God with a big gift of prophecy. We had planned on Joelle's gender and name being a surprise. We had a boy and girl name picked out...but had not told a soul. Dave came to us in the church service and held my hand, saying "You want to know the gender of this precious baby, don't you?" YES!! I was so beyond ready to know. After all, nesting is for real! Jeremiah was set on not finding out....so Dave whispered, "Joelle Elizabeth will be full of music." My mouth dropped open. And in the microphone, I exclaimed "HOLY CRAP!!" (hey, it could have been worse. Lol!) 

Anyways, back to sonogram day. The sweet lady preforming the sonogram was explaining what the blurry blobs were... the profile, arms, little hand, tiny fingers, legs, itty bitty toes. And then silence. She clicked. She measured. She clicked more. Our oooing and awwing over my sweet little baby stopped. I asked a few times "What's wrong?" but she couldn't answer. The room quickly filled with doctors. Its like they were speaking a foreign language. None of them were explaining... and then those words that no parent wants to hear- "Jessica, it looks like there is a problem with your baby's feet."

Joelle's right foot was clubbed. It was a normal case of clubbed foot, correctable by surgery and a series of casts. The left foot was a different story. The sonogram showed that her left foot was completely upside down. Her heel was connected where her ankle was supposed to be. This would require surgery to completely rebuild her ankle and heel. When we connected with the Scottish Rite hospital, it was explained that the process would take about 3-6 years. YEARS. Joelle would not be able to walk or even start to learn to crawl/walk until she was 3 years old. She would have a series of casts from hip to toe, with the first surgery at 3 weeks old.  My sweet baby. She wasn't even here, and she already had a mountain to face. My heart.

Fast forward a few weeks. We were still trying to process this. We had not even explained to all of our family, we just needed some time. Jeremiah's dad (a pastor) had a yearly revival. We went, but my mind was preoccupied. There was another pastor that kept saying, "We need to pray for someones feet. They need to be set straight." I refused to raise my hand, and was really not ready to say it out loud  yet... Finally on the last night of the revival, I agreed with Jeremiah that we would put pride and fear aside and go up for prayer. That pastor said it again, so we went up. Now, here's the not-so-awkward part of having an elder from your church as your doctor. He was at the revival. When we went forward for prayer, our Doctor came with us. He took the microphone and put his hand on Jeremiah's shoulder. He said "Jeremiah, God has given you authority over your daughter, even in the womb. Speak to your little girl, tell her feet to line up with the word of God." As they began to pray, my stomach started to burn...But, the next sonogram didn't show any change. In fact, all of the rest of the sonograms from that point on looked exactly the same. We continued with the steps to set up specialists and surgery. And we continued to pray... 

On to delivery day. I was induced, and we were prepared for what the sonograms showed. Our doctor prayed with us again, and explained that he would take her immediately to do a thorough evaluation. He caught her, and zipped off to check her out. He's a pretty solum guy. Even-keeled. But can I just tell you, the man can JUMP. He came back to us JUMPING up and down, yelling "SHE'S PERFECT!!!" 

Tears. Uncontrollable tears. Even almost 10 years later as I type this.

She was perfect. The feet that the devil tried to harm, will take her to the nations to share the gospel. 

"The God of peace will soon crush satan under your feet. His grace will be with you." Romans 16:20

Whatever it is that you are facing, take authority over it. The one who created the universe has given you the authority and power. 

Focus.

Focus.

It's time to refocus on the correct vision. That has been our goal for the past several weeks. 

Have you ever been so engulfed in your current situation that you look up to realize that over 2 years has flown by and it was all a blur? It almost seems like it didn't happen. That's where we are.

Homeschool is my heart, but because of commitments, we put homeschool on the back burner and enrolled our youngest 3 in public school... we put our family, our marriage, and our time second to a vision that belonged to someone else. So now, we FOCUS on the vision that God has placed on our hearts. 

Back to homeschool and learning together! Back to the vision that God has given our family...and we couldn't be happier. Stress has lifted, and peace has overwhelmed us. We are grateful for some of the relationships that were made and the lessons that were learned.

Through it all, our eyes are on God. That hasn't wavered. I read this today on Facebook, but it captured my attention-

Don't let your emotional attachment hinder your spiritual assignment.

Also, we sought counsel from a dear pastor. One of the things that he challenged us with was this-

sure, we were surrounded with favor in that place, but the truth is, God's favor is on you as individuals. God sets your steps before you. His vision is it. He is your one and only spiritual father. 

That's when peace sets in. 

So we move forward with God's joy as our strength! 

We will be traveling quite a bit within the next month, but we are looking forward to the schedule and accountability of a homeschool routine. Jaela starts high school. (God help me...) Jonah will be starting 7th grade. (while thinking he is everyone's math teacher) Joelle will start 5th grade. (reading more books that I can count! My little bookworm.) Jesse-Ava is starting 4th grade. (with hopes of catching up to her brothers math level!) I am so proud of these kiddos. 

Family has proven to be our constant. These people (Jeremiah's oldest brother and his wife) have been our best friends for many years, but it is amazing to see the strength that we pull from each other in times of stress. They listen, encourage, correct, ask the tough questions, and mostly- the love us through every situation. Grateful doesn't even begin to scratch the feelings surface. 

And they make the best vacation buddies! Colorado camping...Mohr Cruise 2017! Can't wait!

We took a few family mini-staycations. We booked a hotel and explored Houston. We love this area! We spent a lot of time in the pool, walking, more walking, and more walking, eating a lot, and finding cool graffiti! It was exactly what we needed. 

I thought I would end this with an update on my epilepsy journey.

At this time last year, I was in the middle of my position as the Children's Director and acting as the Volunteer Coordinator for the Brazos River Flood Relief. My stress level (one of my number one seizure triggers) was through the roof! I had a seizure at our pool that landed me in the hospital. Things are much better now! I have had minimal seizures over the past couple of months, and I have huge hopes that it stays that way. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOELLE!!

My sweet little JoJo is 6 {six} today!! How'd that happen? I'm so thankful for her sweet spirit. She is always thinking about others and wanting to take care of everyone. She is a BRIGHT shining star!

I love the connection between her and Jesse Ava. 

My beautiful mess!

Happy Birthday to Joelle!

Great start to the school year!

Our year has started out great! 3 weeks in to Pre-K, Kindergarten, 2nd, and 5th grades! We've been to the zoo and Brazos Bend State Park so far. This week- for 9/11, we will be delivering cookies to the local police departments and fire stations.

I also have deleted my Facebook account. It's too time consuming... If you need me, call, text, email, or my blog are the ways to get ahold of me!

Family Time

We've been super busy and super sick lately...

Here's pics from our wekend with B, T & the girls :) We love having them here!

Hermann Park is a favorite for us. Pedal boats, playgrounds, picnics & the Houston Zoo right next door. These cousins love each other so much and we wore them out! :)